2003-09-28 - 9:00 p.m.
i am really not exactly sure what just happened. i know that my eyes are swollen and i am thirsty...
i called alex. i needed a funny good conversation because though i haven't told anyone...something has been missing in the way that i feel for him. and well that is not what i got. instead i got something yucky and dramatic and incomplete. things were taken out of context and thrown hard into faces, mean things were said, feeling were hurt...and i don't know where that leaves us..."us" as in my non-existent relationship.
i am whole-heartedly disconnected from the idea of us and i am terrified that i will continue to feel this way. does this mean i changed my mind out of moving...because ya know i was supposed to do that in just a week and a half...i don't know. but i may have changed his.
tonight was the first night ever i hung up on him...and i have no intention n calling back tonight. he got angry...then got mean.
so i have been sitting in fetal position on the couch desperately wanting a smoke...in fact i looked through the entire house to no avail. i called max balling...he is at his girl's parents without his girl having dinner. through my tears i think he got it and said he would be over after dinner. though i appreciate it, i am not sure what that's what i need.
i think what i need is an objective translator to decipher what the fuck just happened. and a cigarette. and some whiskey...and maybe someone to snuggle with...guido, the stuffed vietnam vet duck will do well.
i am just tired of my relationship being dramatic. i want some stablity and i am afraid we have kick stablity (let's just call him stab) out the door...and now his is pissed and though we want to invite him back...we have forgotten how to swallow our pride and apologize and beg stab to be our friend again.
