2003-07-19 - 7:19 p.m.
i'm so sad.
really really sad.
a kind of sad i can't put my finger on.
a kind of sad that has made me cry a couple of times a day
a kind of sad that makes me not want people i don't know very well (but that i like anyway)around me ...cuz then they would hate this version of myself.
i had a horrible converstaion with alex last weekend.
a hypothetical conversation filled with what if's and but's and no revelence to anything real.
a converstaion i tried to end as soon as it started and one he wouldn't drop.
and since then it made me ask myself all these stupid questions and filled me with what if's and but's that i don't want to answer. and that i shouldn't. and now i have blown off talking to him for the last week and dreaded the moment when i would.
i had a nervous breakdown about never making it to grad school and was coinvinced i would forever be a college grad stuck living at home that drives her sister's car.
i even broke down in my boss' office for something really really stupid.
max called last night as i got of work. he asked if i wanted to go over to his girlfriend's house and play my favorite game. i told him i would much rather go home and cry...and the i started bawling while on the phone.
i am a fucking mess.
on top of it all my girl parts are freaking out and i haven't stopped bleeding for two and a half weeks despite the fact that i am on the same pill that i have been on for 6 years and have never had problems with. i'm am sure i am dying...or that i will bleed to death.
and the only positive about that is...i have a feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness and gloom is steming from being completely out of hormonal wack.
making me a basketcase.
tomorrow i have a day off. i plan to be as lame as possible and i look forward to it.
tonight i will talk to alex. and sleep in fetal position.
