2003-01-20 - 11:49 p.m.
ok. so i haven't even thought of this whole diary thing is a long time. it's late and i'm bored and i ended up looking at my last entry...and i almost started to cry.
i forgot how tramatic leaving alex was that first time...i say the first time but a shitload has happened since then. and though it's several months later i am still feeling the same way...as i watched his car pull away from my driveway through puddles of tears just a few days ago.
he is gone again.
i am in tulsa again.
this time i don't have my best friend here and i don't have an exciting adventure coming up.
i have only left the house in the last few days to work out and buy him his birthday present.
and right now working out may be the only thing keeping me sane.
ok...so i am substuted it for something else...at least it's not heroin.
and maybe this time i miss him more...but not in the way that feels permanent...i know i am gonna see him again...i know that what i feel, what he feels is love.
but i think, that maybe, just maybe, i forgot how to breathe without him.
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so now i'm jobless. the job i was so sure i was gonna get went to (last minute) to a little shit that i know who just happens to be the nephew of liz claiborne...i hate him. i wanted and deserved it more than him. and i really do believe that.
so my dreams of new york have been put on hold. and i am stirring up new ones. ones that involve a small village in mexico, the beach, and the boy. i need time to reexamine...
i want two things for me right now...
1. a real job. one that makes me feel important, makes me think
2. time to relax and sit on the beach
since #1 has puked on my lap for time being...i think i am going for #2.
i'm in a wierd spot right now. maybe it's good that i write in this thing for awhile. but for now...i need to make a birthday card.
