2002-03-24 - 6:34 p.m.
it's amazing how fucked up my life can get and it all be my fault. ok...so maybe it's not fucked but i am not doing the right things and in some respects i have forgotten what the right things are. i just don't want to be in the place i have gotten myslef into. i want to be thrown back about three months when my life was quiet and boring and no one was letting on that they wanted to have sex with me.
now i have two people throwing it (whatever it is...i don't know) at me. and i took the bait. with alex it doesn't matter...it's a casual thing, that is actually working like one. but with jen, oh jen...i feel like i am getting ready to break her heart. and not for any other reason than i can't make any commitment to anyone...i think i forgot how. in the past couple of years things got so easy with my tough skin...i learned to make a kiss not mean the world...but now i scared that it doesn't mean anything. ever. when it should.
and i know me staying with her on friday was inevitable...and i know how hard it was for her. this kissing girls thing is new for her...and i know that there has been tension growing...and if it didn't happen on friday it was gonna happen sooner... but maybe i should have also known to tell her that right now i make a MUCH better friend. that alex and i are whatever alex and i are. and that expectations are scary for me right now. and maybe i should have kept it to myself that i like her.
i'm feeling a bit manic right now. out of control and mean.all i want is out of this place...
.mary...
