2001-12-30 - 6:32 p.m.
it's been a while..though i have thought about writing in this thing... the problem is...i have been dead.
tulsa drains me of life. here...either i am having a blast hanging out with old friends, laughing and getting drunk, cuz we don't know what else to do...or i plant myself in the house and moap. like i have been doing for the last two days.
yesturday i had an excuse... i was hung over and i needed sleep...
today...well, i have nothing to do and i lack the energy to make up something to do.
i don't want to go the bar for two reasons:
1. i want to see max. and yeah, i have been seeing him at the bar but that doesn't count. i want to assure myself that we still have lots to talk about other than bar chat. cuz right now i am not so sure that we can. cuz well...i still miss him.
2. i kisses a boy there the last time. part drunkenness...part boredom...part wanting to know if i could still kiss a boy and not care about it later. and well.. i wish i hadn't. so now we know that stage is gone for the time being...and it will be missed. anyway, i don't want to see the boy.
and i don't want max to find out. i haven't figured out why yet.
the thing i noticed that night is... i got caught up in a flirting game... it was fun... a lot of it. but i got too caught up and i wanted to win. to get the kiss, that i really didn't want...i do this from time to time. and unfortunatly i did win and now i want to avoid my favorite bar. the one thing that makes me feel alive in this town.
i will get over it. soon. but for the time being...it's dumb.
it looks like i won't be spending new year's with my best friend. it's understandable why not...but he will be missed.
i have no girlfriends in this town anyore. with the exception of a little sister, of course. in fact i can't remeber any girl that was a good friend. i got my boys here. i love them to death. i feel comfortable in the midst of craziness they create. more this time than any other.
*****
yesturday i cleaned my room...all of it. i went thourgh the scariness that was my closet. there were a few boxes in there filled to the brim with old letters and pictures from new hampshire...cons... letters from old crushes, con boyfriends, a postcard from the girl freshman year of high school who was almost my girfriend... who yesturday i wish she had been and still was.
all this stuff was froma time in my life that was amazingly beautiful. kir was my everything...and i was hers. i almost forgot how tight our connection was...and can from time to time be. but going through this letters made me realize how confused and fragile we all were in our morphisis to becoming all the different things we are now.. and still a lot confused and fragile. most the time just not as much.
well...enough. i should shower if i plan to get out of the house tonight. he should be calling soon. and i hoping for an evening that reminds me why...
.mary...
