2001-12-05 - 12:42 p.m.
hmmm...this feels weird and a little bit forced. i am in study mode. i need to get a shit load of work done before friday. and somehow i will...i always do. i always will.
but during these times of unbelievable stress...i turn off. from everything else. and i don't like me when i do that. i start to get petty and not fun when i am turned off.
and there is so much that i need to be paying attention to right now. those things hit me hard when i am trying to fall asleep and then in the morning i desperatly try to remember them. to pay attention to them but i can't.
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i used to have dreams about taking naps with him all the time. almost everyday. the perfect nap...with a perfect boy.
i was dosing off yesturday on a big comfy chair in the middle of the CUB and i woke to find him snuggled up next to me. and i was filled with warmth and i hated that i woke up. it ruined the perfect nap...and the perfect boy.
and i still find myself excited when he enters the room...giddy when he calls. but then crush is gone..or maybe it's just grown up. and i miss the perfect nap.
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amsterdam is sounding more and more like what it is i need to do.
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ok...i have to go write my fuckin paper NOW.
wish me luck.
