2001-11-27 - 7:11 p.m.
ahhh what a beautiful thing this is when there is a massive paper to be written.
i'm frustrated with a lot of things.
i miss my friends. all of them. i miss them being around...even the few that are with a five minutes drive.
i am feeling isolated from just about everything.
last year i had a great idea to treat myself to a tarot card reading every year for my birthday. i don't know why. for the most part i think it's bunk. but it is kinda fun and there is the possibility whoever is reading your cards can guess that one thing that you need to hear from someone you don't know. my birthday was three weeks ago so i decided now would be the time to that.
so if i think it's bullshit why i am sooo pissed off that i wasted thirty bucks on a woman with bad red hair and even worse breath who couldn't tell me that i was going to sometime in the near future write her a fucking check for way more money than she deserved?
well...i guess i sorta answered ,my question...no but really...
she was stuck on this thing that i am deep down inside trying to heal from years of hearing that i was stupid and not going to get very far...but that in reality i am just a beautiful woman just waiting to blossom and some more asinine bullshit...then she went on to tell me that holding friendships is not something i am very good at yet but i am about to blossom yet again...
well...the truth is i grew up hearing my family tell me every other minute that i was beautiful and crazy intelligent... so much gratification... and they were serious...and i believe them still...and the thing i value most about myself is my dedication to my friendship...they are by far the most important and strongest area of my life. friendship i think is the thing i am best at.
so...this woman actually made me second guess all of the two things in my life that have made the person who i love and am excited to be.
fuck her.
but then she said it look like i was going to get all my grad school paid for... but that's the only time she was right.
so the thing that sucks...is...i just went to visit max...and you know what... it doesn't feel like i saw him.
and i can't figure out if i really didn't have anything to say to him...or if i just didn't get the opportunity...i know that last to be true...but i can't be positive that that wasn't convenient.
and i don't know why...i can't give up on him...sometimes, like now, i wish i could.
i just wish it weren't a friendship that i had to work on...i haven't many of those...and i am not used to having a friendship where i have to remind myself that i love him...because that is true...i do...so much. maybe it's just that i don't know why...no but i do...fuck me...
on a lighter note...i have a huge crush.i have never talked to this boy...but i think i should.
k...bye. sweet dreams.
.mary...
