2001-11-13 - 10:59 a.m.
It’s interesting the way that you stood outside my flat screaming my name. I was surprised that you even remembered that is it Mary. I will never understand why you thought that that was ok. My only explanation is that you have issues in which you need to figure out or maybe because I had sucked you off. But the thing that is so interesting to me is the way that made me feel. It didn’t give me a "Say Anything" sort of feeling as I was lying there with tonsillitis as you made an asshole of yourself. I was praying to anything that no one I knew figured out who it was you were confessing an insincere love to. But more than anything it stirred in me a feeling that I have been holding deep in my stomach since the summer after I graduated high school. The same feeling of a man confessing an insincere love as he came into me uninvited. So the thing is... you made me feel raped. And that feeling rushed to my face everytime my flat mate made a joke about you and that feeling gets heavier in my body everytime that night revisits me. I have tried to figure out why it is that you making an asshole of yourself has made me revisit a time in my life I will forever run from. But now I as read over this more than anything the feeling of rape stems for me from the thoughtlessly throwing out of the words I love you. fuck you. fuck you. It was ways for you to justify your actions. And when it comes down to it, all you wanted was to get fucked. and I was never going to fuck either of you. Both of you ending up doing anyway.
